unfair
Life is unfair. It just is. I know I'm a negative person and that I normally look at the bad before the good, but that's just how I am. I'm tired of changing myself for others, and I'm tired of being hurt. I think everyone goes through this phase though. Some people have wondered what excuse or reason I have this time for my actions lately, and here it is...
I'm fed up. I backed off b/c I'm upset. I'm upset with God. I find it harder and harder to believe in all his "goodness" when I watch what is going on with my family. The kicker is my aunt. She's not really even my aunt anymore with all the drugs she's on. Everyday she's in pain and everyday she begs to die. She believes that she did something wrong and that's why God won't take her. My heart is ripped out every time I see her. I don't know how to hold my faith through that.
In the bible it says that God will not give us too much that we can't handle. I've been thinking about that some lately. I wonder how I'm supposed to deal with and be able to handle this. It's just REALLY hard. It's hard for me to tell people that God is a good and healing God when He hasn't healed or eased my Aunt Lisa. I've heard so many people blame God in my family in the last few months. The last person was my dad. I've NEVER seen my dad upset or cry until about a week ago. I hugged him and we both cried. He told me and my aunt regina how he's upset with God and bad he hurts and how he just doesn't understand. I think I'm in the same place.
I don't hate God or anything. I'm just really upset with Him. All I want is for my aunt to be out of pain. I understand that sometimes healing comes in dying, but she's still here. I just want her suffering to be over. I love her so much and I'm tired of her being in constant agonizing pain. I haven't been to see her in over a week because I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to hold the tears in. I'm scared that she'll know that I'm scared. There's nothing I can do. I wish SO BAD that I could give her the tiniest bit of comfort, but I can't. I can't do anything but watch her suffer. I can't do that.
I thought that if I believed in God enough and kept my faith then she would be fine or God would go ahead and take her home. The only thing that is happening is she is getting worse. I don't know where to get my faith from anymore. It just hurts so bad. I hate this so much!! Well, I have to go. I can't see much through the tears.
I'm fed up. I backed off b/c I'm upset. I'm upset with God. I find it harder and harder to believe in all his "goodness" when I watch what is going on with my family. The kicker is my aunt. She's not really even my aunt anymore with all the drugs she's on. Everyday she's in pain and everyday she begs to die. She believes that she did something wrong and that's why God won't take her. My heart is ripped out every time I see her. I don't know how to hold my faith through that.
In the bible it says that God will not give us too much that we can't handle. I've been thinking about that some lately. I wonder how I'm supposed to deal with and be able to handle this. It's just REALLY hard. It's hard for me to tell people that God is a good and healing God when He hasn't healed or eased my Aunt Lisa. I've heard so many people blame God in my family in the last few months. The last person was my dad. I've NEVER seen my dad upset or cry until about a week ago. I hugged him and we both cried. He told me and my aunt regina how he's upset with God and bad he hurts and how he just doesn't understand. I think I'm in the same place.
I don't hate God or anything. I'm just really upset with Him. All I want is for my aunt to be out of pain. I understand that sometimes healing comes in dying, but she's still here. I just want her suffering to be over. I love her so much and I'm tired of her being in constant agonizing pain. I haven't been to see her in over a week because I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to hold the tears in. I'm scared that she'll know that I'm scared. There's nothing I can do. I wish SO BAD that I could give her the tiniest bit of comfort, but I can't. I can't do anything but watch her suffer. I can't do that.
I thought that if I believed in God enough and kept my faith then she would be fine or God would go ahead and take her home. The only thing that is happening is she is getting worse. I don't know where to get my faith from anymore. It just hurts so bad. I hate this so much!! Well, I have to go. I can't see much through the tears.
posted by Meagan @ 12/18/2006 09:46:00 PM
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