T`R`U`T`H
Here it is Christmas time, and I feel like it's one of the worst times in my life. We got a report on my aunt today. They believe she has about one -three days to live. How does stuff like this happen? I just don't get it. I don't want her to go. I want her in my life watching me grow and my children and their children. I want to celebrate her birthday each year and spend holidays with her. I would give ANYTHING to take her out of this and to take the cancer away from her. Watching her suffer has done nothing but rip my heart out. Everytime I think about her my heart breaks into more pieces. She suffers, my family suffers, her friends suffer, etc. What good comes out of this?
Right now I'm just so mad with God. I don't want to do anything for Him anymore. I feel like He has the power to heal her and take her home at any second, but He doesn't. Instead He just lets us all suffer and watch her suffer. I hate this so much. You never think something like this would ever happen to your family until the day you get the news and you realize that it can happen to anyone faster than you can blink your eye or snap your finger. I've never felt so much pain in my life. Not even when my parents were in jail at the same time or when they split up or even when me and my mom fought and I ended up with a cut to my chin. I've been through a lot of shit in my life, but this one takes them all.
I don't know when the turning point for me was. I can't even remember why I decided that I couldn't believe in what God could do. I think it was shortly after my aunt told everybody goodbye. She felt like she was going to die that night (Sun. 12/3). We all thought she was going to die that night. The next day she was in horrible pain. She kept begging for God to take her, but He didn't. She asked my aunt (her sister) what she did wrong and why wouldn't God take her. She actually thought she did something wrong and that's why she hadn't died yet. Like God was upset with her so He was making her suffer or something. I think that might have been what really got to me. I can't describe how bad it hurts.
I wish I knew why this was happening, or at least why it's happening to her. She deserves to live her life out. I'm so proud of her though. She's been so strong and faithful to God through everything. She's never been afraid with what she was given. She knows God has His reasons and she just trusts Him. Through the entire thing she would smile, make jokes, tell stories, and just be herself. No matter how bad it got she always found something good or funny to talk about. I'll never forget what she told me that night she said goodbye to me. She told me I would be a light to my family's lives. She told me to keep living for God and keep shining in their lives. She said she was proud of me and that my family would see God in me. I love her so much.
Well, I can't write anymore. It's already 2am and I have to get up for work at 8:30, so I guess I better go to bed.
Right now I'm just so mad with God. I don't want to do anything for Him anymore. I feel like He has the power to heal her and take her home at any second, but He doesn't. Instead He just lets us all suffer and watch her suffer. I hate this so much. You never think something like this would ever happen to your family until the day you get the news and you realize that it can happen to anyone faster than you can blink your eye or snap your finger. I've never felt so much pain in my life. Not even when my parents were in jail at the same time or when they split up or even when me and my mom fought and I ended up with a cut to my chin. I've been through a lot of shit in my life, but this one takes them all.
I don't know when the turning point for me was. I can't even remember why I decided that I couldn't believe in what God could do. I think it was shortly after my aunt told everybody goodbye. She felt like she was going to die that night (Sun. 12/3). We all thought she was going to die that night. The next day she was in horrible pain. She kept begging for God to take her, but He didn't. She asked my aunt (her sister) what she did wrong and why wouldn't God take her. She actually thought she did something wrong and that's why she hadn't died yet. Like God was upset with her so He was making her suffer or something. I think that might have been what really got to me. I can't describe how bad it hurts.
I wish I knew why this was happening, or at least why it's happening to her. She deserves to live her life out. I'm so proud of her though. She's been so strong and faithful to God through everything. She's never been afraid with what she was given. She knows God has His reasons and she just trusts Him. Through the entire thing she would smile, make jokes, tell stories, and just be herself. No matter how bad it got she always found something good or funny to talk about. I'll never forget what she told me that night she said goodbye to me. She told me I would be a light to my family's lives. She told me to keep living for God and keep shining in their lives. She said she was proud of me and that my family would see God in me. I love her so much.
Well, I can't write anymore. It's already 2am and I have to get up for work at 8:30, so I guess I better go to bed.
posted by Meagan @ 12/22/2006 01:40:00 AM
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