T`R`U`T`H

Here it is Christmas time, and I feel like it's one of the worst times in my life. We got a report on my aunt today. They believe she has about one -three days to live. How does stuff like this happen? I just don't get it. I don't want her to go. I want her in my life watching me grow and my children and their children. I want to celebrate her birthday each year and spend holidays with her. I would give ANYTHING to take her out of this and to take the cancer away from her. Watching her suffer has done nothing but rip my heart out. Everytime I think about her my heart breaks into more pieces. She suffers, my family suffers, her friends suffer, etc. What good comes out of this?

Right now I'm just so mad with God. I don't want to do anything for Him anymore. I feel like He has the power to heal her and take her home at any second, but He doesn't. Instead He just lets us all suffer and watch her suffer. I hate this so much. You never think something like this would ever happen to your family until the day you get the news and you realize that it can happen to anyone faster than you can blink your eye or snap your finger. I've never felt so much pain in my life. Not even when my parents were in jail at the same time or when they split up or even when me and my mom fought and I ended up with a cut to my chin. I've been through a lot of shit in my life, but this one takes them all.

I don't know when the turning point for me was. I can't even remember why I decided that I couldn't believe in what God could do. I think it was shortly after my aunt told everybody goodbye. She felt like she was going to die that night (Sun. 12/3). We all thought she was going to die that night. The next day she was in horrible pain. She kept begging for God to take her, but He didn't. She asked my aunt (her sister) what she did wrong and why wouldn't God take her. She actually thought she did something wrong and that's why she hadn't died yet. Like God was upset with her so He was making her suffer or something. I think that might have been what really got to me. I can't describe how bad it hurts.

I wish I knew why this was happening, or at least why it's happening to her. She deserves to live her life out. I'm so proud of her though. She's been so strong and faithful to God through everything. She's never been afraid with what she was given. She knows God has His reasons and she just trusts Him. Through the entire thing she would smile, make jokes, tell stories, and just be herself. No matter how bad it got she always found something good or funny to talk about. I'll never forget what she told me that night she said goodbye to me. She told me I would be a light to my family's lives. She told me to keep living for God and keep shining in their lives. She said she was proud of me and that my family would see God in me. I love her so much.

Well, I can't write anymore. It's already 2am and I have to get up for work at 8:30, so I guess I better go to bed.

unfair

Life is unfair. It just is. I know I'm a negative person and that I normally look at the bad before the good, but that's just how I am. I'm tired of changing myself for others, and I'm tired of being hurt. I think everyone goes through this phase though. Some people have wondered what excuse or reason I have this time for my actions lately, and here it is...

I'm fed up. I backed off b/c I'm upset. I'm upset with God. I find it harder and harder to believe in all his "goodness" when I watch what is going on with my family. The kicker is my aunt. She's not really even my aunt anymore with all the drugs she's on. Everyday she's in pain and everyday she begs to die. She believes that she did something wrong and that's why God won't take her. My heart is ripped out every time I see her. I don't know how to hold my faith through that.

In the bible it says that God will not give us too much that we can't handle. I've been thinking about that some lately. I wonder how I'm supposed to deal with and be able to handle this. It's just REALLY hard. It's hard for me to tell people that God is a good and healing God when He hasn't healed or eased my Aunt Lisa. I've heard so many people blame God in my family in the last few months. The last person was my dad. I've NEVER seen my dad upset or cry until about a week ago. I hugged him and we both cried. He told me and my aunt regina how he's upset with God and bad he hurts and how he just doesn't understand. I think I'm in the same place.

I don't hate God or anything. I'm just really upset with Him. All I want is for my aunt to be out of pain. I understand that sometimes healing comes in dying, but she's still here. I just want her suffering to be over. I love her so much and I'm tired of her being in constant agonizing pain. I haven't been to see her in over a week because I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to hold the tears in. I'm scared that she'll know that I'm scared. There's nothing I can do. I wish SO BAD that I could give her the tiniest bit of comfort, but I can't. I can't do anything but watch her suffer. I can't do that.

I thought that if I believed in God enough and kept my faith then she would be fine or God would go ahead and take her home. The only thing that is happening is she is getting worse. I don't know where to get my faith from anymore. It just hurts so bad. I hate this so much!! Well, I have to go. I can't see much through the tears.

Manual??

Here I am again. Yes, I'm here on my own accord too. I know that. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell. It always does. I always get to this point and think I haven't come very far and I'm not going very far. The only problem is this time I thought I tried my best and tried to do everything I could and I still couldn't keep it. I really really thought that I was actually doing it right this time. Even at my best I still don't get it.

I can't do it anymore. I need to just break away. I wish there was a step by step manual to show me where I am and where I need to be. Life doesn't come that easy unfortunately. I'm just gonna have to do it trial by error and hope I land where I need to. I hope that's ok. I guess I'll have to get the permission slip signed later.

school again? lol

Well, my two days off of work are over. It's reminds me of when I went to

school and the weekend was over hahaha. At least I don't have to get up

at 6:00 to be at a bus stop in the cold! lol. It was nice though. I didn't really

do much. I pretty much just stayed home and kinda rested. I actually got

my room cleaned! Well, I'm supposed to be getting ready to go out tonight

so I better get of the internet! Toodles!