Current

Well well well - what to say. I'll keep it current. I've been through a lot in my life. I've changed a lot and been through changes. I now know that the one thing that never changed in my life was God. He has His hand upon my life. He always has and always will, no matter where I go. I recently went to a Ladies Conference at my church and God freed me from hurts that I thought would never go away. As many know - my aunt recently passed away with ovarian cancer. This is the first time I've written about it without breaking down. For the last 3 months I have hurt so bad. I made wrong choices and got into a lot of stuff like alcohol, drugs, lying, smoking, sex, stealing, sneaking around, and so much more. I tried to hurt God on purpose. I was upset from my aunt dying and I wanted to someone to blame for the pain. He was ok with that though. He let me run my course. This weekend I learned that God said I'm worth it. Me. Worth it. Worth Him coming and dying for me. Worth Him putting up with my hurts and my hurting Him. Worth me disobeying Him and getting lost sometimes. I'M WORTH IT!! Even more than that I know that YOU ARE WORTH IT. It doesn't matter what you've done or who you've done it with - you can still touch God. He's NEVER out of reach, out of listening range, out of communication, out of love, etc. YOU CAN'T USE UP GOD. Anyways - that's where I am. My heart right now is to please my Father. He has healed my broken heart and I worship Him and praise Him for loving me through this storm. IT'S GONNA BE WORTH IT. Heck - it already is worth it!!!

Inside

Inside

Author: Melissa Collette

Bottled up inside
Are the words I never said,
The feelings that I hide,
The lines you never read.

You can see it in my eyes,
Read it on my face:
Trapped inside are lies
Of the past I can’t replace.

With memories that linger –
Won’t seem to go away.
Why can’t I be happier?
Today’s brand new day.

Yesterdays are over,
Even though the hurting’s not.
I must cherish what I’ve got.

Don’t take my love for granted,
For soon it will be gone –
All you ever wanted
Of the love you thought you’d won.

The hurt I’m feeling now
Won’t disappear overnight,
But someway, somehow,
Everything will turn out all right.

No more wishing for the past.
It wasn’t meant to be.
It didn’t seem to last,

So I have to set him free.

Children learn what they live

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright � 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

Pieces everywhere

Slowly I try to get the pieces of my heart back and put them together again, but it's not as easy as it looks. I have pieces of it everywhere. I got into a lot of mess. After my aunt died I kinda just shut down. I didn't care what any one thought of me, and I didn't care about myself. I was crushed by my aunt's death and I blamed God and got angry with Him b/c I had no one else to blame. I decided I was going to get back at Him, so I did everything I could to displease Him. I started small and just kinda built up from there.

I started smoking in the beginning. That wasn't too hard for me b/c I smoked on and off all my life just about. Then I started cussing. This took a while to get rid of 3 years ago and a while to gain back 3 months ago. That wasn't enough though. I started lying to my family, friends, and co-workers. At this point I started seeing my brother's best friend. I really liked him and he was everything I thought I was looking for. We spent A LOT of time together. Nothing else mattered but us being together.

I decided that I was going to be with him no matter what my friends, family, or God thought or told me. I went over to his house with a friend one night and we decided to stay the night. Me and Jt were fooling around and we decided to go all the way. I kinda didn't want to, but I was determined to go against God, so I did. That was one of the worst nights of my life. It hurt physically and emotionally. I cried with my friend and felt horrible. We got into a fight after that and I didn't talk to him for a few days.

We eventually worked things out and I slept with him one more time after that. 2 days after our 'second time' I got a phone call from him. He told me to leave him alone and not to talk to him anymore. He moved in with his ex girlfriend and they were getting back together. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do. I called a friend from church and went on a wednesday night. I knew the only place left to turn was to God, so I went to the altar to pray for forgiveness. Instead I got an earful of hurt from the person I prayed with. They weren't trying to hurt me, but they did. I was at a very critical point and felt like I wasn't important enough for them to fight for me or anything, so I gave up again.

I started drinking at this point. I started hurting people that used to be really close friends of mine. I was hurt and didn't know how to handle it, so I just kept on the path I was on - disappointing God. I met another guy that ended up being 30 years old. I normally would run as far away from that kinda of situation as I could, but I didn't this time. I got drunk one night and called him and talked to him about so many things that I shouldn't have. I made him think that I like him and wanted to be with him, and when I didn't end up with him he got upset and some REALLY hateful things to me. Things just kept getting worse and worse.

During this entire time a friend from church kept contact with me. She called me at least 3 times a week to see how I was doing. She invited me to events going on at the church or to outings she was going on with her friends. I decided to go with her to church on a Sunday morning and that morning decided that no matter what I would live for God.

Well, that isn't easy either. I have asked for forgiveness but I don't feel like I'm even worthy enough for forgiveness. I feel like I'm not worth anything. I feel like a hypocrite with my family and it's hard to feel apart of church again. I feel like I'm caught in between - like I don't belong anywhere. I don't know what to do. I just live day by day now - talking to God and doing what I can to try to heal the damage I have caused to my heart. Now I just wait...

isn't life crazy?

There has been so much crazy stuff to happen lately. About a month ago I met a guy (Martin). We had A LOT of fun and I really liked hanging out with him. Then I found out he's a traveling engineer and was leaving in January. About 2 weeks ago my dad went to jail. Then my aunt passed away from ovarian cancer. I thought that happiness just wasn't meant to be in my life at all. My heart has hurt constantly for a while now. I wanted to tell somebody, but I didn't know how. I backed down from everything - my friends, my family, church, God, etc.

Well, Martin is gone, dad is still in jail, Aunt Lisa is gone, and I'm not ready to enter back into church, but I'm the happiest I've been in a while. I did meet someone that I like A N D likes me back! He actually likes me for me and isn't trying to play the whole "friends with benefits" scene that I've seen for the last 3 guys I've been with. I love being around him. He makes me laugh and feel good. We talk about everything. I don't hide anything from him and he doesn't hide things from me. He actually talks about what's on his mind. I finally found what I've been looking for. Everything that I've been wanting in a guy is in him. I couldn't ask for anything or anyone better. I'm glad I'm with him.

Some of my family doensn't like us together, but they can't make my decisions. They have done things to me and to others that I didn't like, but they didn't change their decision just b/c I didn't like it. I know I met my JT for a reason, and I'm going to stick with him.

Well, that's all for tonight. Good night!!

T`R`U`T`H

Here it is Christmas time, and I feel like it's one of the worst times in my life. We got a report on my aunt today. They believe she has about one -three days to live. How does stuff like this happen? I just don't get it. I don't want her to go. I want her in my life watching me grow and my children and their children. I want to celebrate her birthday each year and spend holidays with her. I would give ANYTHING to take her out of this and to take the cancer away from her. Watching her suffer has done nothing but rip my heart out. Everytime I think about her my heart breaks into more pieces. She suffers, my family suffers, her friends suffer, etc. What good comes out of this?

Right now I'm just so mad with God. I don't want to do anything for Him anymore. I feel like He has the power to heal her and take her home at any second, but He doesn't. Instead He just lets us all suffer and watch her suffer. I hate this so much. You never think something like this would ever happen to your family until the day you get the news and you realize that it can happen to anyone faster than you can blink your eye or snap your finger. I've never felt so much pain in my life. Not even when my parents were in jail at the same time or when they split up or even when me and my mom fought and I ended up with a cut to my chin. I've been through a lot of shit in my life, but this one takes them all.

I don't know when the turning point for me was. I can't even remember why I decided that I couldn't believe in what God could do. I think it was shortly after my aunt told everybody goodbye. She felt like she was going to die that night (Sun. 12/3). We all thought she was going to die that night. The next day she was in horrible pain. She kept begging for God to take her, but He didn't. She asked my aunt (her sister) what she did wrong and why wouldn't God take her. She actually thought she did something wrong and that's why she hadn't died yet. Like God was upset with her so He was making her suffer or something. I think that might have been what really got to me. I can't describe how bad it hurts.

I wish I knew why this was happening, or at least why it's happening to her. She deserves to live her life out. I'm so proud of her though. She's been so strong and faithful to God through everything. She's never been afraid with what she was given. She knows God has His reasons and she just trusts Him. Through the entire thing she would smile, make jokes, tell stories, and just be herself. No matter how bad it got she always found something good or funny to talk about. I'll never forget what she told me that night she said goodbye to me. She told me I would be a light to my family's lives. She told me to keep living for God and keep shining in their lives. She said she was proud of me and that my family would see God in me. I love her so much.

Well, I can't write anymore. It's already 2am and I have to get up for work at 8:30, so I guess I better go to bed.

unfair

Life is unfair. It just is. I know I'm a negative person and that I normally look at the bad before the good, but that's just how I am. I'm tired of changing myself for others, and I'm tired of being hurt. I think everyone goes through this phase though. Some people have wondered what excuse or reason I have this time for my actions lately, and here it is...

I'm fed up. I backed off b/c I'm upset. I'm upset with God. I find it harder and harder to believe in all his "goodness" when I watch what is going on with my family. The kicker is my aunt. She's not really even my aunt anymore with all the drugs she's on. Everyday she's in pain and everyday she begs to die. She believes that she did something wrong and that's why God won't take her. My heart is ripped out every time I see her. I don't know how to hold my faith through that.

In the bible it says that God will not give us too much that we can't handle. I've been thinking about that some lately. I wonder how I'm supposed to deal with and be able to handle this. It's just REALLY hard. It's hard for me to tell people that God is a good and healing God when He hasn't healed or eased my Aunt Lisa. I've heard so many people blame God in my family in the last few months. The last person was my dad. I've NEVER seen my dad upset or cry until about a week ago. I hugged him and we both cried. He told me and my aunt regina how he's upset with God and bad he hurts and how he just doesn't understand. I think I'm in the same place.

I don't hate God or anything. I'm just really upset with Him. All I want is for my aunt to be out of pain. I understand that sometimes healing comes in dying, but she's still here. I just want her suffering to be over. I love her so much and I'm tired of her being in constant agonizing pain. I haven't been to see her in over a week because I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to hold the tears in. I'm scared that she'll know that I'm scared. There's nothing I can do. I wish SO BAD that I could give her the tiniest bit of comfort, but I can't. I can't do anything but watch her suffer. I can't do that.

I thought that if I believed in God enough and kept my faith then she would be fine or God would go ahead and take her home. The only thing that is happening is she is getting worse. I don't know where to get my faith from anymore. It just hurts so bad. I hate this so much!! Well, I have to go. I can't see much through the tears.

Manual??

Here I am again. Yes, I'm here on my own accord too. I know that. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell. It always does. I always get to this point and think I haven't come very far and I'm not going very far. The only problem is this time I thought I tried my best and tried to do everything I could and I still couldn't keep it. I really really thought that I was actually doing it right this time. Even at my best I still don't get it.

I can't do it anymore. I need to just break away. I wish there was a step by step manual to show me where I am and where I need to be. Life doesn't come that easy unfortunately. I'm just gonna have to do it trial by error and hope I land where I need to. I hope that's ok. I guess I'll have to get the permission slip signed later.