Pieces everywhere

Slowly I try to get the pieces of my heart back and put them together again, but it's not as easy as it looks. I have pieces of it everywhere. I got into a lot of mess. After my aunt died I kinda just shut down. I didn't care what any one thought of me, and I didn't care about myself. I was crushed by my aunt's death and I blamed God and got angry with Him b/c I had no one else to blame. I decided I was going to get back at Him, so I did everything I could to displease Him. I started small and just kinda built up from there.

I started smoking in the beginning. That wasn't too hard for me b/c I smoked on and off all my life just about. Then I started cussing. This took a while to get rid of 3 years ago and a while to gain back 3 months ago. That wasn't enough though. I started lying to my family, friends, and co-workers. At this point I started seeing my brother's best friend. I really liked him and he was everything I thought I was looking for. We spent A LOT of time together. Nothing else mattered but us being together.

I decided that I was going to be with him no matter what my friends, family, or God thought or told me. I went over to his house with a friend one night and we decided to stay the night. Me and Jt were fooling around and we decided to go all the way. I kinda didn't want to, but I was determined to go against God, so I did. That was one of the worst nights of my life. It hurt physically and emotionally. I cried with my friend and felt horrible. We got into a fight after that and I didn't talk to him for a few days.

We eventually worked things out and I slept with him one more time after that. 2 days after our 'second time' I got a phone call from him. He told me to leave him alone and not to talk to him anymore. He moved in with his ex girlfriend and they were getting back together. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do. I called a friend from church and went on a wednesday night. I knew the only place left to turn was to God, so I went to the altar to pray for forgiveness. Instead I got an earful of hurt from the person I prayed with. They weren't trying to hurt me, but they did. I was at a very critical point and felt like I wasn't important enough for them to fight for me or anything, so I gave up again.

I started drinking at this point. I started hurting people that used to be really close friends of mine. I was hurt and didn't know how to handle it, so I just kept on the path I was on - disappointing God. I met another guy that ended up being 30 years old. I normally would run as far away from that kinda of situation as I could, but I didn't this time. I got drunk one night and called him and talked to him about so many things that I shouldn't have. I made him think that I like him and wanted to be with him, and when I didn't end up with him he got upset and some REALLY hateful things to me. Things just kept getting worse and worse.

During this entire time a friend from church kept contact with me. She called me at least 3 times a week to see how I was doing. She invited me to events going on at the church or to outings she was going on with her friends. I decided to go with her to church on a Sunday morning and that morning decided that no matter what I would live for God.

Well, that isn't easy either. I have asked for forgiveness but I don't feel like I'm even worthy enough for forgiveness. I feel like I'm not worth anything. I feel like a hypocrite with my family and it's hard to feel apart of church again. I feel like I'm caught in between - like I don't belong anywhere. I don't know what to do. I just live day by day now - talking to God and doing what I can to try to heal the damage I have caused to my heart. Now I just wait...